Recently I’ve taken up the hobby of reading my old blog posts… like from the early 2000’s. I guess I didn’t realize I’ve been blogging for almost 15 years. This has been a most introspective way to spend my time. I feel like a time traveler. You’ve all seen in those movies where the time traveler transports from moment to moment in his/her own life? Present to past to future to present again. All while gaining some sort of respect and appreciation for the life they already had.
As I type this eating the only thing left in my house that’s edible (semi-sweet chocolate morsels used for baking cookies) I’m wondering if anyone at all will find this topic interesting. Have you wandered back through time in your own life? Did reading your old posts bring much embarrassment? I have no idea what I was thinking writing some of the things I did. I started blogging in 2002 when I was 14 and was an avid writer throughout my teen years and early young adult life. Before the computer I had what they called a “diary”. I was my own narrator. Some of my old writings are just hilarious! Look at this entry…
Ha! I’m dying laughing at that. For those of you who didn’t know teenage Kim… I was grounded for like half of it. Mostly due to getting a lot of C’s and the occasional D on report cards and tests that got sent home. Look at this one a little later on that same year…
Little did I know how life altering that case of mono would be! Yeah, that liver stuff was definitely not a good thing! Haha! I just have to laugh. Notice the time stamp on these… what was I constantly doing up at 3 o’clock in the morning? I guess some things never change. And who really posts THIS of themselves?!?!?!
I have a few observations on my “former” self I’d like to share with you for no other reason than this is where blogging [for me] began. Writing random stuff about yourself online that wouldn’t ordinarily be appropriate but still remains completely honest. Stories we are all drawn to read but now still seems a bit adolescent. And there we have my first observation of time traveling my own life.
Open and honest: I was extremely forthright about pretty much everything in my life. In these posts on xanga, livejournal, later myspace, etc before my typepad then blogspot then finally wordpress… I spilled my guts. I really talked about everything going on in my life and laid it all out there. As a “full grown adult” in my “full grown adult life” I really can’t think of an area in my life where I just say whatever I want in complete and total honesty with all disregard for who it implicates even if it’s myself. I did not care what people thought of me. I only cared about writing what was true in that moment. Looking back I’m realizing how courageous that was. I was entirely sure of who I was and very confident (in a good way). As an adult I’m thinking what a rather inappropriate public outlet for my thoughts this blogging thing was. However there’s one thing that I can’t deny… the honestly I spoke with was convicting! I wonder if I’m honest with myself to the same degree now. I wasn’t afraid of my feelings even if they were flawed or didn’t paint me in the exact kind of light I now deem acceptable or desirable. As an adult is it easier to lie to myself? Or not allow myself to explore my true feelings on a matter because it’s not PC or diplomatic enough for my current lifestyle?
Extreme passion and conviction: The way I spoke about my beliefs, my rights, my ideas and positions… wow! I was a fighter! I wanted to better the lives of everyone I touched, but I just saw that as my duty. I talked about being a world changer A LOT! I had every intention of living all my days fighting injustice with superhero motivation. I still believe all the same things but most certainly don’t talk about it as often and as passionately. Why is that? Or is it that some of my passions have changed and in their own right I fight for it but rather quietly. Does it have to make a big loud splash to be honest and passionate? I don’t have an answer but I think I miss that little fighter girl. One of my favorite quotes about the teenage years comes from One Tree Hill (fav tv show) of course. Peyton said to the teenage girl living in the house she grew up in… “The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I’m certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don’t need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface”. Has anyone said it better? This is why I still know for a fact that teenagers can change the world in a way no adult ever could.
Kim, age 19 wrote: “My calling. You know… that thing that everyone talks about that God gives you. Ah, the purpose for your life! And yet mine was handsomely unique and I was determined to live as such.”
No fear: I was literarily fearless. I wrote about my emotions openly and didn’t wonder if I was depressed just because I was feeling down that day. I wasn’t afraid to talk about how I felt. I wasn’t afraid that people were judging me when I wrote. I was proud to be me – even in my flaws. I wasn’t afraid to spend time doing things like art, painting, photography, writing to rejuvenate my soul. I was so in touch with the inner me and instinctually took care of myself in the most creative life affirming ways. I was afraid that someone would think I’m not a hard enough worker, that I was taking too much time off, or could appear selfish doing too many things for myself. I was writing to WRITE and to explore and expose truth… not because of a deadline or a worthy agenda. I was certainly not afraid to be alone and loved having time to myself. I had raised money to travel the world following a higher calling and desire to fight darkness. I wasn’t looking wearily ahead fearful of what changes might happen. I was naturally hopeful. I was young but I was NOT innocent or inexperienced and I had regrets. Still I saw the world differently. What a perspective.
Now time traveling I see the younger version of myself almost as a different person altogether but in every day life I really don’t feel any different. I don’t feel hindered in my day to life but when comparing to the early blogging days version of me… I’m wondering! So much openness. I admit I had less responsibilities, obligations, jobs, important relationships to uphold and nurture. Adulthood is a strange business. Some of the entires I read were so long ago it almost felt like reading about someone else’s life. I think I could stand to be a little more like my teenage self in some ways. Perspective is everything. I am proud that I had great standards as a young person and I followed through with every dream. My goal is to live adulthood the exact same way!
Now I’m not going to act like I am this totally different person with no passion, living in fear, and lies to myself! Truly not. I love my life and I’m very proud of how far I’ve come and who I am today. There are a LOT of things about the younger me that were really screwed up and I’m happy to have worked out for the better. In looking back there was a lot of stuff I even wrote on my blog that was SO MESSED UP! Dirty laundry publicly aired. I said a lot of things in anger that didn’t reveal the true picture in all fairness. I also couldn’t believe all the things I’d forgotten. Things that really moved me at the time and shaped they way I saw people. I suppose I’m very grateful that xanga is now shut down and there’s no evidence of my crazy emo rants. Can I get an amen?!
Moving on I’ll leave you with this quote I recently heard (see below). I’m more convinced than ever of the importance of living a balanced and emotionally healthy life… and doing whatever it takes to get there! No apologies! So, thanks for sticking around for my self conducted therapy session. Time traveling my own life has taught me some valuable lessons and has given me something to be thankful for. I very grateful for the progress and perspective I’ve gained through the last 15 years. Very curious to know how I’ll feel about today’s post in another 15 years!
“Look at us running around. Always rushed. Always late. [I] guess that’s why they call it the human race. But sometimes it slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place. Fate works its magic and you’re connected. Every once in a while, amid all the randomness, something unexpected happens, and it pushes us all forward. And the truth is… what I’m starting to think, what i’m starting to feel… is that maybe the human race isn’t a race at all.”
-The Switch (one of the Jennifer Anniston movies I don’t hate)